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Soft Whispers, Loud Roars

Friday, August 27th, 2010

They say I’m crazy, but I’m not lazy, I just take my time.
What they say don’t phase me, my flesh betrays me some time.

Solving complex technical problems is easy, I’m not a rapper.
Writing poetry relaxes and relieves me, this one’s a napper.

I’m not a flipper flapper tipper tapper sipper sapper or nipper napper.
Nor am I a kipper kapper dipper dapper yipper yapper ripper rapper.

I’m just a different kind of human, a Visionary with Vision.
Do I bring that fission to create a fusion? It’s your decision.

Here’s what I’m missing to make this blessing complete.
The love of a woman will take me to another level in the street.

I’m already known in the streets as a true computer geek.
But I can’t get big-headed, I have to stay humble and meek.

This week wasn’t for the weak, He’ll strengthen you if Him you seek.
I know things look bleak, but we have to come together to plug this leak.

Some may look sleek and slick, but that doesn’t mean they can flick their bic.
These bad habits I really need to kick, they keep on making me get sick.

Maybe if I had a woman’s hand to hold I wouldn’t need to hold onto a cigar.
Maybe if I had a woman’s heart to mend, mine wouldn’t continue to scar.

Maybe if I had a woman’s lips to kiss, I wouldn’t lick mine all the time.
Maybe if I had a woman’s body to caress, I wouldn’t write this kind of rhyme.

Though I don’t have a dime, it’s all still sublime, and everything is fine.
This mountain I continue to climb, when I reach the top I’ll truly shine.

What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours, but the Lord heals our sores.
The Lamb whispers softly, the Lion loudly roars, the Holy Spirit adores.

Posted in Blogging, Poetry | No Comments »

Without You

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Yes, I needed you yesterday. I’m quite certain I wouldn’t have been so loud and rambunctious on Twitter yesterday had I been able to make love to you.

I don’t know your name, or what you look like, or where you even are. You certainly aren’t in my arms, where you should be.

I said I was going to write a romantic poem for you, whomever you are, and I will. However, before I do, please allow me to write some prose, to properly explain what it is that causes me to get so frustrated.

My phone number has been given out to several different women, each of whom I was interested in getting to know more about. I know I’ve gone over the same things again and again, and I know the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. So maybe I’ve ventured off into insanity. Maybe I’m about to fall off of this tightrope I’ve been walking on.

I do not like silence! I can’t stand the silence!

I had typed out a long tweet earlier, but it was too many characters, and I was in the middle of mowing, so I didn’t post it.

I said, “I’d rather a woman call me and tell me she’s not interested in me, than to not call me at all, and leave me hanging.”

I mean that, from the bottom of my heart! I’d rather a woman call me and cuss me out, than to not call me at all. That has to be one of the most frustrating things about being rejected by women, especially when you know you’re TRULY a good man.

So obviously, after having attempted to clarify myself, and stand up for myself, and be assertive, yet do so without being too rude or mean, I’ve not yet contacted the woman who will marry me.

Surely my wife would understand why I get so frustrated from the silence, from lack of conversation, from lack of communication. Surely I wouldn’t have to rant and rave every day all day for her to understand why I’m upset.

I obviously have not yet conversed with my soul mate, my missing rib, my Eve. Up to this point in time, I do nothing but get myself all worked up for no reason, when I know it’s something I have no control over.

The Lord will provide a wife when I’m ready to be married. He will do this because He knows I’d be a much better servant, and much more calm, cool, and collective, as well as much more full of His Love, Joy, and Peace, if I didn’t have to deal with loneliness and solitude.

So, this short poem, love, is for whoever you are, wherever you are, and whenever I may find you.

Yesterday I wanted you, but I needed you more.
Today I pray you’d walk through that door.
You have no idea of what could be in store.
You’re going to be loved, and forever more.

I’ll tell you today in this creative way,
I’d rather you hear what I have to say.
I’d rather I hear your voice today.
This isn’t a game I like to play.

If you and I have any kind of future together,
We need to stick together in any weather.
Our love will make us light as a feather.
If you grab the lasso, I’ll grab the tether.

I look forward to the day we meet in person.
Until then, this poetic verse I’ll be rehearsin’
And I promise you I’m trying to quit cursin’
Without you, love, the curse will just worsen.

Posted in Blogging, Diary Entries, Life, Poetry, Romance | No Comments »

Dear Love

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

Dear love, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop. During the day I think about seeing your smile. During the evening I think about hearing your voice. In the morning when I wake up I imagine I’m laying beside you.

You are just a figment of my imagination right now, because right now I’m alone. I don’t know who you are, but I wish you’d come closer. I want to see you with my very own eyes, not see an image of you in my mind. I want to hear you with my very own ears, not hear an imaginary voice that echoes in my mind. I want to touch you with my very own hands, but my hands aren’t able to touch you. I want to hold you in my arms, but you’re out there somewhere, and I’m here all alone.

I miss you, and I don’t even know you! I wish I knew you. I wish I had met you already.

It’s difficult to walk by faith, not by sight. The flesh wants instant gratification, and my flesh is no different. I want to make passionate, sweet love to you today, not tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, or 5 years from now.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind pure, and stay focused, but without you beside me, it’s hard, and I mean that literally!

Last night my erection wouldn’t go down, but I didn’t masturbate. I just left it alone, and eventually it went down.

I don’t want to lust after any woman, I only want to lust after my wife! It’s bad enough that I have a strong libido, but I don’t want to let my flesh rule me, I need to let Christ Yeshua rule me. That’s easier said than done.

Dear love, my love is here for you, whenever you want and need it. I’m not going to settle for just any woman, as hard as it is for me to refrain from sex until marriage, I’ve made that choice to do so, and I don’t want to go back on that choice. The Lord would be upset with me if I were to go back on my word.

I have before, in the past, I’ve fallen, and made many mistakes, but we’re too late in the season to be playing around with GOD. I’m held to a higher standard, to stricter morals and ethics, and I know I will be held accountable for everything I’ve thought, said, done, and not said and done, in my lifetime. I know the Truth, so I have no justification, no way to make any excuses for myself.

Dear love, I hope and pray you know and understand what I’m talking about. I hope and pray that some day I find you, or you find me, and we can come together, and start a family.

I love you, my future wife, whomever you are! I miss you!

I need you today, not tomorrow. I want you right now, but I’ll want you later on tonight as well.

Posted in Blogging, Diary Entries, Life, Romance | No Comments »

To The Core

Friday, August 20th, 2010

The Lord has blessed me, yes He has, and I’m not ashamed to say it.
I’ll shout it out on the rooftops, I’ll show the world how to display it.

I’ll tell the world of His Unfailing Love, and of His Mercy and His Grace.
I’ll make sure to give Him the Honor and Glory, putting Him in His Place.

He’s suppose to be first in our lives, but we oftentimes make Him last.
Everyday is a day the Lord has made, so let’s not worry about the past.

We can examine history, to better understand where we came from.
Yet we can look forward to the future, whether we are smart or dumb.

In Truth, none of us are really dumb, we all have some kind of intelligence.
We are all able to learn, we all can grow, and try to regain our innocence.

We are all dependent on GOD, because without Him we wouldn’t exist.
He’s the one who created this Universe, without Him life would desist.

We can all become better humans, but not without the Lord teaching us.
We all should be needing Him, because He’s been needing all of us.

We all have to play a part, we all have to survive and live day by day.
Some of us pass on, some of us are born, since life began it’s been this way.

When I think about the Goodness of GOD, I am filled with a sense of peace.
It’s serenity, it’s Heaven, it’s Paradise, like resting my head on a soft fleece.

Life is sweet, things are good, I have nothing to complain about without a doubt.
The Lord is Good, on EVERY day, He certainly was today, He’s given me clout.

I didn’t want the fame, I didn’t want the name, I didn’t want to bring any shame.
I wanted to tell the world of His Unfailing Love, to me this isn’t a childish game.

This isn’t a “romantic” poem, this is a Love poem, about the One I truly adore.
He is my reason to write, He gives me strength to fight, He’s in me to the core.

Posted in Blogging, Good News, Life, Poetry, Theology | No Comments »

Mobility

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

I’m writing this from my phone, I just wanted to see if I could. For some strange reason the create new post page didn’t come up right. It shows on the screen on the phone, but I could not type anything in. The quick post area is working ok, so that’s what I’m using now. Typing out a long, detailed blog on a Blackberry would be too time consuming though, so I probably will continue to write my blogs on the computer. That’s it for now, I’ll write a romantic poem after the Daily Show.

Posted in Blogging | No Comments »

Releasing Thoughts & Emotions

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Can I be completely candid, open, and honest with you?

Can I speak frankly, in an adult manner, without others taking this the wrong way?

I have such a strong desire to make love to a woman right now.

My spirit doesn’t want to fall, my spirit wants to continue waiting on the Lord to provide. But my flesh is weak, my flesh is horny, and I’m close to saying what’s really on my mind just to get sexual gratification.

Is it wrong for me to be thinking like this? I’ve been wrestling with this for a while, because I’ve been wrestling with this strong libido ever since I first got an erection.

Even in past relationships I’ve been in, I’ve never fully explored my sexuality. Alot of times when I was in the mood, I masturbated, so that the woman I was with wouldn’t think I only wanted her for the sex.

But a man like me, who has a strong libido, does indeed have a desire to please his woman physically. It isn’t about him getting his rocks off, as much as it is about him showing her how much he loves her in a physical way.

A man is more physical, and knows and understands love in a physical way. A woman is more emotional, and knows and understands love in an emotional way.

I don’t know how many times I’ve held a woman in my arms, and wanted to take it to the next level, but feared that she would think I was only wanting sex. I don’t know how many times I’ve been the “gentleman”, and the “nice guy”, and was rejected.

I’m not trying to wallow in self pity and feel sorry for myself, I just pray that more women would understand what a good man goes through mentally and emotionally, just as I’m sure many women pray more men would understand what women go through mentally and emotionally.

How can we come to learn what each gender goes through if we don’t communicate with one another, and share our stories with one another? How can men be men if they don’t know what it means to be a man? How can women be women if they don’t know what it means to be a woman?

In this day and age, gender bending and homosexuality and bisexuality are pushed upon society, but in Truth, that’s not how the Lord would have us live our lives.

I couldn’t be comfortable, and myself, with another man, because it isn’t me. It’s not like I haven’t had any homosexual experiences in my life, because that’s not the Truth. The Truth is, in my younger years, I was confusing companionship and intimacy with sexual gratification. I didn’t know the difference. On a deep, psychological level, I was searching for a father figure because I didn’t know my father.

Nobody knows me like I know myself, and the Lord knows myself better than I do. He’s revealed to me why I made the mistakes I made, and He’s let me understand why I did what I did. He’s been healing me, He’s been filling that void in my life. But I’d be foolish, and not honest, to act or speak as if I’m fine being alone, single, celibate, and chaste.

No, I’m not fine being alone, single, celibate, and chaste.

While there’s nothing wrong with that kind of lifestyle, it is not the kind of lifestyle that I want to live. If I’m thinking this way, it’s because the Lord is telling me He hasn’t ordained me to remain celibate and chaste and marry the Church. Rather, He’s ordained that I get married, and show more men what it means to be a good man, and a faithful, loyal husband, who will love his wife as Christ loves His Church.

In other words, the Lord put in me a strong libido, it’s not wrong for me to have a strong libido, it would be wrong if I continued to act out on my fleshly desires, and let this wretched flesh of mine rule me. It is perfectly normal, and natural, for me to have a desire to please a woman in a physical, sexual way. Sex in marriage is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and the marriage bed is undefiled.

But I tell you, it’s not easy being patient, and waiting on the Lord. That’s the lesson He’s been teaching me through this whole ordeal.

I don’t want to lust after any other woman but my wife. Since I’m not yet married, I don’t know who to lust after. It’s wrong that I would even lust after a woman in my mind, but it’s not easy to keep my thoughts pure when testosterone is built up inside of me. Thus, I masturbate, to release, because it’s all I can do right now.

I’d love to be telling a woman this in person, and being more intimate with her in private. Right now, that’s not an option. Thus, I have to release these thoughts and emotions in me, and writing these blogs is how I do that, because it’s all I can do right now.

Posted in Blogging, Diary Entries, Life | No Comments »

I’m Not Acting

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Both “nerd power” and “star power” are not what they seem. It’s easy put your all into acting when you’re getting paid millions of dollars to do it.

It’s not easy to put your all into a business when you’re making very little money, if any, to do it.

It’s not easy to be selfless and try to help others when you’re just as needy as those you’re helping.

For once I wish Hollywood would accurately describe what life is TRULY like, rather than glamorize an idea, a dream, a written script of what life is like.

How is that possible? Movies are expensive to make, and you have to pay good actors and actresses a decent amount of money to get the best performance. The directors, writers, camera people, editors, sound engineers, and make-up artists all have to be paid.

But what about taking things one day at a time, and simply being yourselves? It’s not acting if you’re being yourself.

I’ve been called a nerd my whole life, and it isn’t easy being a nerd. Being a nerd means being laughed at, and made fun of, because you’re very smart and intelligent. Being a nerd means others asking you to help them with their homework because they can’t understand the material, and you do, even though you’re not even in the class.

Being a geek means people turn to you when they have computer and electronic equipment problems, because they can’t afford to pay Geek Squad prices.

Hollywood glamorizes the “nerd” and “geek” persona, but in reality, being the nerd and the geek isn’t so glamorous.

That’s coming from a true nerd and geek, a broke one at that.

I’m not acting. If I was acting, I’d be getting paid good money!

Hollywood glamorizes the “thug” and “gangsta” persona, but being a TRUE thug and gangsta more times than not leads to jail time or death.

Bad actors get delt with real quick.

Thankfully, I’m not acting.

Posted in Blogging, Life, Philosophy | No Comments »

Spiritually Attuned

Monday, August 9th, 2010

The Lord speaks to us all the time, but not all the time do we hear Him speaking to us.

One must quiet the mind, and put the soul at peace, and put the body to rest, to attain total, autonomous, complete Oneness with the Lord.

Some people may think they can meditate and hear from the Lord, but the only way to truly HEAR from the Lord is to put Him first in EVERYTHING.

Mankind has different belief structures, different religious traditions, and different dogmas, doctrines, and orthodoxies. The Lord GOD Almighty, the Holy One of Israel, is not the author of confusion.

As I personally have picked back up reading the Book of Wisdom, and reread chapter 2 (especially verses 12 – 20) a few times, I’m beginning to grasp a better understanding of the subtlies that keep us divided in our belief and faith in GOD.

If we could, as a Body of believers, be of One Accord, and on One Mind, we could certainly influence the ways of the world, and help bring more souls to Christ. We cannot do it ourselves, we need the Lord. In our needing of the Lord, we should come to learn we need each other as well.

The Word of GOD was uttered, under Divine Inspiration and Guidance, and it has been recorded, and preserved, and translated to various languages, thanks to those who have willingly served the Lord, and did their part to spread the Gospel.

We each have certain Gifts and talents, but they all come from the same GOD.

We are all invited to the Wedding Feast, so why not be prepared for the arrival (return) of the Groom? He will return to marry His Bride, the Church.

He will come again to make things right, to bring back Justice, and take away war, and end poverty, and do away with oppression.

This may seem like a “fairy tale”, but it’s what we believe, because this is what the Word tells us about Paradise.

In the end, EVERY knee shall bow, and EVERY tongue confess that Christ is Lord, so why not start confessing it now?

Why continue putting off serving the Lord? Why try to hide from Him when He knows everything we do?

Personally, what I have been struggling with, is knowing I am to tell others of the wonderful, good things about GOD, and to help spread the Good News, and point others to Christ, yet knowing that I’m not like Christ. I’ve been making excuses all these years, and running from the Lord. I’m not going to run anymore, I know I sin and fall short of the Glory of GOD, but He’s still worthy to be praised and worshipped!

I’m still meditating on the two deep, profound, powerful, Spirit-filled sermons I HEARD today.

Faith comes by HEARING, and hearing by the Word of GOD!

It’s good to READ the Word of GOD, I absolutely LOVE to read the Word of GOD.

It is better to HEAR the Word of GOD, so that the ears are unstopped, and the heart gets pierced (circumsized), and the seeds that were planted long ago can continue to be tended to, so that faith the size of a mustard seed grows into a Giant Sequoia.

I took notes today on the Message about seeking the lost, so I can come back to these Scriptures and examine them later on. I’ve already became very familiar with Jonah chapter 1, but I did learn something more about the Lord from the second sermon.

Yes, I do remember what I heard the woman of GOD say about not eating from everyone’s table, and I have been taking that into consideration. Yet, I also know that as long as I continue to seek the Lord’s Counsel, and lean not on my own understanding, I won’t become confused.

I know I’ve been my own worst enemy, and I’ve been paying for alot of my past mistakes and sins. Karma’s a mug!

I cannot allow myself to stay in my lower self, I must rise up into a higher consciousness, and play my part. It’s time for me to put aside all these fleshly desires, end these bad habits, and truly step into my position of Power and Authority in the Kingdom of GOD.

Of course I don’t want to come out of my comfort zone, I want to stay here where I’m comfortable and continue to make excuses for myself.

But that’s the flesh in me, and I must crucify my flesh, and offer myself to the Lord, for He has been so Merciful and Gracious to me.

I don’t want to be stumbling in the dark, and I don’t want to be straddling the fence. I’m tired of being a “lukewarm” Christian.

That’s just me, and where I’m at on this daily, lifelong spiritual journey.

It’s an honor to serve the Lord, and I feel it my duty to give the Lord my best, which I haven’t been doing lately. I need to rededicate myself to the Lord.

I thank Him for His Unfailing Love, and I praise and worship Him because of His Grace, which is indeed sufficient for me, and His Mercy, which does indeed endure forever.

I need to remind myself to come back to the Book of Ezra and come up with a Sermon on the restoration of the Altar, and how even kings Cyrus, Darius, and Artaxerxes gave decrees that the building of the House of GOD in Jerusalem was to be carried out without hesitation or interuption, even though there were many who opposed it.

I’ll come back to that later, right now I want to end this incoherent blog. Quite alot is on my mind right now as I regurgitate the spiritual food I’ve ate today.

It’s all good, because the Lord is good, on every day, and in all ways.

Today was just another one of the days the Lord has made, so I did rejoice and be glad in it.

I pray the Lord save me again tomorrow, and that He continue to teach me how to live one day at a time, walking by faith, not by sight.

May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and provide for you, and renew you.

The wages of sin is death, but the Gift of GOD is eternal life!

Be spiritually attuned, so that you can hear that soft, still Voice inside of you. Make sure you are a sheep who truly hears His Voice, and let the Shepherd separate the sheep and goats on His own.

Posted in Blogging, Good News, Life, Theology | No Comments »

While I Nap

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

I wish I knew how to love you.
You are so far way, so I miss you.

But I don’t know who you are.
I’m just wishing on a star.

I dream about you day and night.
I don’t want to fuss and fight.

I’d love to love you right.
I can be your knight.

I’ve searched for you far and near.
I’ve waited in the front and the rear.

Still I haven’t found you, so I shed a tear.
I need you dear, so please don’t fear.

I won’t ever hurt you, you are my mirror.
I may be emotional, but I’m not a queer.

I need you to listen to me, not just hear.
I want to drink your love, not a cold beer.

In my heart is a love that is uncommon and rare.
Take advantage of you? I wouldn’t even dare.

Don’t mind me, I can’t help but stare.
I don’t want to be selfish, I want to share.

I’m in this world all alone, so forgive the sap.
I’ll just continue to dream about you while I nap.

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Seeking The Lord’s Counsel

Friday, August 6th, 2010

I spent more time than I usually do reading the Word of GOD last night, and as a result I received a breakthrough, a revelation. I began reading 2 Samuel chapter 1, and while reading that, I took notice of something.

A man, with clothes torn and dirt on his head (to show that he was mourning) came to David to notify him of the deaths of Saul and Jonathan. He gave reverence and respect to David, and then began to explain to him of what he had saw. He told David of what Saul had asked the man, to put him out of his misery. So the man did as requested.

Now David had already known of Saul’s evil intentions to kill him, but even knowing so, when he became informed of what had happened, grief had stricken him.

What he then does is what baffled me. Now I could understand why he would be grieving over Jonathan’s death, him and Jonathan had become quite fond of one another, and loved each other as themselves. Even Saul’s daughter Michal had fallen in love with David, and took up his defense against her father. In 1 Samuel it mentions that Saul had become jealous of David, and twice (1 Samuel 18:10, 1 Samuel 19:9) it mentions an evil spirit from the LORD came upon Saul.

I mention all that because of David’s response to the man who told him Saul and Jonathan were dead. The man had honored Saul’s request to finish him off, and then told David this.

David asks the man where he was from, and the man says he’s a foreigner.

Then David said, “Were you not affraid to kill the LORD’s anointed one?”, and orders the man be killed, saying “for you yourself confessed that you killed the LORD’s anointed one.”

Now what was going through David’s mind at the time? Saul had tried, numerous times, to kill him. He had been given confirmation of this through Jonathan and Michal, so why did he feel it necessary to order the death of the man who merely did what Saul had asked him? It’s not like he murdered Saul, he merely finished him off, Saul was already close to being dead.

I know, that’s kind of deep. I also read 1 Samuel chapters 18 through 20 last night. I’m still meditating and pondering all this in my heart.

It’s easy to quote a particular passage of Scripture, but it takes more than quoting Scripture to serve the Lord. We are called to be DOERS of the Word, not just hearers!

Saul became jealous of David because though he was king of Israel, David had gained favor with the people, because the LORD was with him. I can see that happening today, people who are in powerful, influential positions become jealous of those the Lord is truly with. Why? I don’t know, and don’t fully understand it, it’s beyond my mental capacity. I’m sure the Lord will reveal to me more things later on, as I continue to seek first the Kingdom of GOD, and seek the Lord’s Counsel.

Posted in Blogging, Education, Good News, Life, Theology | No Comments »

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